In my nightmares, I find myself
by RoseandThorns
Summary: Dean's nightmares terrifies not only himself but Sam as well. The aftermath will wreck Dean and take Sam down as well. Is it possible for a broken man to be fixed?


Hello everyone! Another one-shot. I seem to have an obsession with Supernatural lately. Anyway. Enjoy!

Keep happy and reviewing!

Much love!

...

In my nightmares, I find myself.

Dean

The world was on fire. Red hot, burning flames of agony and death. They licked my limbs, sending blistering torment around me. A tongue of flame slithered along my chest, searing through the flimsy material of my shirt. I opened my mouth to scream and suddenly I was breathing fire. I'd never known torture like this. The harsh flames swept down my throat, eating away at the cartilage. My lungs were dry, hacking coughs erupted from blood splattered lips. I gasped for air that would never come, every part of me craved oxygen, wanting it back in my system. My knees hit the black dirt, I understood that my body was failing me. Something wet dripped down my cheek, cautiously I raised trembling fingertips to my face. A harsh gasped left cracked lips when I looked at my hands. I didn't know I could cry tears off blood. I coughed, the force of it jerked my insides, momentarily sending my head reeling. Blood sprayed from my lips, soaking into the ground around me. The flow of blood from me was constant, seeping from my mouth, lips, eyes, nose, wherever it seemed possible. I felt the deadly fingers of the flames play with my hair, I smelt how it burned. Darkness danced through my vision, fear settled in my gut. The roar of the flames grew louder, sparks crackled by my ear. An eruption of flames shot in front of me, catching my face in the horrific blast. I curled into myself, cowering in the mud, screaming in undiluted agony. My hands gripped at my face, trying to stop the pain but it was like trying to catch smoke. My trembling, blistered hands only intensified the torment. I felt my skin peel, burnt flesh curled and withered. Frightened, I pulled my hands away and pulled my legs closer to my chest, whimpering. I heard the sobs that left my throat, they sounded like the cries of a wounded animal. This isn't how I wanted to die, surrounded by hell's flames and alone. The deadly dance of orange blaze found the charred skin off my back. The pain blinded me, every nerve in my body was in agony, dying, howling in raw suffering. I wept in defeat, wishing I had the strength left to find Sam. Someone was laughing, their voice rose over my screams. I wanted to ignore the voice, it's mocking laughter cut through me for some reason.

"Burn in hell! Burn in hell!" It sang. Part of me wondered if I knew them.

My mind lived in constant agony, rebelling against the pain and the confusion the smoke was causing. The voice drew nearer, echoing around me. I tried to block it out, I didn't want someone to watch me burn. A hand scratched across my burnt chest, nails digging into the ruined flesh. I screamed, sending more blood onto the ground around me and tried to turn away.

"Uht! Don't disobey me, Dean." The voice scolded, raking its nails over my face, pulling at torn skin. I screamed. My body was suddenly too heavy, I couldn't move. I sobbed, tasted my copper blood and salt tears on my tongue.

I searched for a face in the orange glow, something to explain the voice but there was no one. Hands were poking my burns, dragging bony fingers over exposed, burnt skin. Some part of my mind that fought for survival wanted to beg for my life, plead to be spared but my stubbornness won out. A deafening scream rang out around me. The voice of the flames seemed stunned into silence. I heard nothing but the scream that killed something inside me. I knew that scream, it belonged to the one person I'd die for. The one person I had died for.

It belonged to Sam.

"SAM! SAMMY!" My voice had found volume, the words punched out of me, demanding to be answered.

I only heard him scream. I forced myself to my hands and knees, crawling toward the source of the voice. The laughter boomed around me, whispering in my ear. With every move I made I felt a part of my skin fall away. I didn't want to look behind me at the blood, I just wanted to find my brother. His screams were whimpers, barely reaching over the fire's call. I pushed myself forward, my knees searing on the scorched earth.

"Sam. Sammy." I was blinded by fire, dragging a body that knew only of it's pain and still I called for him.

It took one look at him to steal my breath, one look of his broken, blooded body to counter the effects of the fire. His pained gaze turned to me, watching as I struggled through brambles and flame. His chest was a mess of blood, muscle and bone. My stomach rolled when I caught sight of his slashed chest. I knew that I should not be able to see his rib cage. His organs were supposed to be covered by his skin, protected and safe. I collapsed beside his head, tears spilling when I saw his face. His previously unmarked face was scratched and torn. One off his eyes had swollen shut, part of his face was horribly burnt. There was no signs of pain on his face, part of me wondered if he was to far gone for that. My eyes clenched shut and a stab of pain rippled around my body, my panting breaths ripped through my damaged lungs. A gentle hand rested on my head, I opened my eyes to find Sam's ruined face watching me.

"Sammy." I whispered, afraid to break the silence.

He strained his lips into a smile. "I-I knew...it wasn't you...you'd n-never do...this."

"Do what?"

He didn't answer, his eyes rolled and his hand fell from me. I watched his body go limp, his chest didn't rise anymore. A wounded howl escaped my throat. I knew this feeling well, off losing Sam, knowing he was dead and I hadn't stopped it. I looked at my hands, covered in his blood, his blood was drying on my face, seeping into the fractured skin. A sob of torment left me, tears started to fall anew. My world was savagely ripped away from me. I didn't understand his words. My hands clutched at his shirt.

"Don't think so heard, Dean-o. You'll hurt yourself."

Wearly I looked around, upon seeing the intruder I understood. Understood and died inside. For the face that looked back at me was mine. The mocking, patronising voice was mine, was a part of me I thought I'd buried long ago. I thought he'd died in the grip of reality, off life. In the humanity that Sam returned to me. I couldn't be looking at him. I couldn't be seeing myself smeared with blood and holding slick knives. I knew those knives, remembered how easily they cut into flesh and bone. His eyes were dead, empty of any emotion. A stranger stared out of my skin.

"You're not real. You're in my mind."

He knelt down before me, a satisfied smirk on his face. "Which is exactly why I'm real. It's time to accept it Dean. This-," He pointed to his chest "This is who you really are. A monster, a demon."

"No..." I moaned

"Yes. See." He waved a hand into the flames. I followed his hand, watching as the deadly waltz turned the flames into something else. I saw myself in them, my face was burnt, disfigured and blistered. Blood tainted tears had stained my cheeks. But I knew that wasn't what he meant. Behind the wounds, I saw a monster. A man without a soul, who's only purpose was to hurt and torment. He lived for it, breathed for it. His eyes were as empty as his heart and just as dark. "I'm forever in you. My twin."

"NO! NO! NO! YOU'RE WRONG! NO!"

"DEAN! Stop it, man!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME! NO! NO! SAMMY! BRING HIM BACK! I'M SO SORRY, SAM!"

"Calm down!"

Hands touched my shoulders, holding me still. Pinned down, I panicked and swung a fist wildly upward. I didn't know what I hit, I just had to move. But my feet were tangled up in something, I crashed to the ground. Growling, I shook myself free and backed myself into a corner. I sat huddled in confusion and fear. There wasn't a part of me that understood what had happened. I was aware of someone near me, hovering around.

"Dean, it's all right. I'm here and you're OK. Come back Dean."

Frightened, I drew even further into the wall, not bothering to try and find the face behind the voice. Over my own panicked breathing, I heard quiet sobs. My ears still roared with the song of the flame. I still felt the heat on my back. Sam's blood stained my hands, I felt it beneath my nails and on my face. I jumped up, startling the person beside me and found a bathroom. I couldn't turn the tap, my hands were shaking too badly. With a snarl, I let the faucet run and stuck my hands under the water. I dragged a nailbrush over them, rubbing them together until the water ran red but still I scrubbed. It was Sam's blood swirling down the drain and there was so much. I looked up, finding the bathroom mirror. Instead of seeing my face, I saw a traitor's face. The one that had murdered my brother. With a demented cry, I swung a bloody fist at the glass. I saw it shatter, felt the shards cut into my skin as they landed. Suddenly, something had wrapped around my arms, pinning them to my sides. I fought, thrashing against the immovable bonds.

"Stop it, Dean. Please come back. You're not there, it was a dream."

Words trickled through my muddled mind and my fight left me. I sagged in defeat, only the grip of what held me kept me standing. The voice sounded like Sam's, the arms around me had his strength. But Sam was dead, I'd killed him, watched his blood drain away. But there was something living and breathing pressed against my back

"Sammy?"

"Yeah, Dean. It's me."

"Dead."

"What?"

"You're dead. The fire, the blood...oh...I'm sorry!"

"Shh, you were dreaming. I'm not dead and there's no fire. The only blood here is yours. And what have you got to be sorry for?"

Reality rushed back to me. I saw the crimson liquid in the sink and felt the sting in my hands. I saw the smashed mirror, stained again with blood. Through the door, I saw beds and a television. Sam's computer sat on the desk, papers scattered around it and spilling onto the floor. I registered the way Sam held me, his grip to tight and I felt too helpless in his arms. I fought for my freedom and different sort of panic settling him.

"Let me go, Sam."

"No."

"Now, Sam!"

I felt him shake his head and his grip grew more possessive. Sam should never see me like this, so raw and out of control. He shouldn't be the only thing holding me up. My mind rebelled, demanding it's independence whilst fighting the effects of the nightmare.

"I couldn't wake you up." I could feel Sam's lips move against my head. I couldn't tell who was trembling. "T-Ten minutes. You wouldn't wake up. And you were screaming." Sam's voice was so afraid, I could hear the tears in it. Concerned, I tried to pull away and face him but he wouldn't let me. " The creep next door was yelling at me and you kept telling me to come back. I didn't know what to do."

Suddenly, it wasn't my adult brother behind me, so sure and confident in himself. Instead it was a child lost in time. I sensed his fear, it was in the quick breaths he took and the way he refused to let go.

"You did good, Sammy. I...I'm all right now. See? You can let go now."

"N-NO!"

"Can you feel me breathing, Sammy?" I pressed his hands against my chest with my own. "Can you hear my voice? I'm fine and you are too."

He was silent, but I knew he was listening to my words and concentrating on my breathing.

"You smashed up the bathroom, Dean. And you made yourself bleed."

"I know I did."

"You didn't listen to me. I could tell...you were so frightened and I couldn't do anything."

I wanted to respond, to reassure him but the words got stuck in my throat. My pride refused to let myself fall any further but Sam's arms seemed frozen around my torso. The trembling that had taken both our forms had slowed, reduced to lonely shivers.

"Don't you understand, Sammy? You brought me back. I...Thank you..."

Suddenly there were tears in my eyes and it was me grasping Sam's arms in a bruising grip. He felt the change and swung me around, his fingers clasping my shoulders.

"Dean?"

I looked up at him, the nightmare trapping my mind in its fingers. I felt my dark twin inside me, purring as I rebelled against it. The stains on my soul glowed, the blood of the innocent souls I had carved into.

"Dean!"

I couldn't breathe.

"Not again. Come on, Dean!"

I was terrified and falling apart in front of Sam.

"Breathe, Dean. It's all right, man."

"_This is who you really are! A monster! A demon!"_

"Dean, please!"

"_I'm forever in you. My twin."_

"Stop it. Please. Don't do this to me."

"_Monster."_

"Dean!"

"_Demon!"_

"DEAN!"

"...I'm a monster..." Sam's frantic voice calmed. I saw shock and horror in his eyes. "A monster."

My legs buckled beneath me and I fell without away to save myself. But Sam caught me and took my weight. My head found the hollow of his neck. My hands fisted his shirt, straining the material. I shouldn't allow myself the comfort of Sam. I didn't deserve him after all I had done.

"You aren't a monster."

His voice was sure, confident. He didn't seem to mind that I was broken in his arms. That he was the only thing holding my fragile sanity together.

"But...in hell...the things I did..."

"You did to survive. I know."

"I killed..."

"They were already dead, Dean."

"But they were people."

"Were they good people?"

"I...don't think so...But they made me a monster!"

"NO! You are no monster! You aren't. You never could be."

"Sammy?"

"Yeah?"

"You promise?"

His arms tightened around me. "Yeah, Dean. I promise."

Safe. With my brother beside me I broke down and wept for my endless torment in hell.

...


End file.
